June 3, 2011

Dear Nan,

It's past midnight now, which means that I made it through what would have been your birthday. A day that was once full of lemon cakes, bouquets of flowers and laughter has morphed into a day of profound sadness.

I baked you a lemon pound cake. You would have loved it. You could have eaten it without a fork, just picked up thick slices and sat on the front porch with a glass of Dr. Pepper. I baked it using your mixing bowls, your silver measuring spoons and your cake stand. I even used the orange bundt pan that you had hanging on the wall in your kitchen. I had hoped that the baking process would bring some sort of peace, but I admit that it just made me sad.

I don't know what to do to make me less sad. I keep thinking that this will get easier.

I got a job. I said, "yes" to every sport or activity that the kids wanted to participate in. I volunteered to bake cupcakes, make costumes, be the room mother and work extra shifts. No matter how many activities that I find to fill up the hours of my day, I am still sitting here at 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning with too much time to think.

I went to the Alzheimer's support group. I sat there on my metal folding chair soon after you were gone and listened to people speak about the spouses and parents that they had lost. I felt that my grief wasn't large enough in comparison to what they had lost. I felt inconsequential and shallow.

I can't talk to Brad because just one month ago he lost his dad. His pain is so raw and too fresh. I can't add to his sadness. He didn't get to say goodbye.

I got to say goodbye. I was there. But when I should have been letting you go, I was instead holding on tighter and tighter. I can't let you go. I can't seem to get around this huge, gaping hole that I am finding every time I turn around.

Until I learn how to live around this sense of loss, I will continue surrounding myself with the things that brought you joy because they bring me moments of joy. I planted zinnias and two beautiful hydrangea bushes. I set my dinner table with the plates and bowls that you always used. I tell the kids all the stories of our many adventures so that your love will live on in them.

Happy Birthday, Nan. I love you. I miss you.

Guess What Today Is! (+ a Giveaway!)

It's National Scrapbooking Day! I am hosting the All Day Challenge and Hourly Challenges today over at Scrapbook.com

I love to scrapbook and it truly makes me happy. I love being able to have a creative outlet. And yet, I hardly ever, if at all, mention it to people in my everyday life. I have a secret internet life! Who knew?

The theme for this year's All Day Challenge is "Why do you scrapbook." I always think of my dear, sweet Nan. I just want to keep my memories alive.

Just yesterday I found a stack of letters that Nan has written to me when I was a child. One of the letters, dated August, 14th, 1989, read, "Everytime I look at the front porch I can see you sitting in that rocking chair reading. So many nice things for me to remember. I love you so much, you're my special bitty and will always be." Where do the memories go, when they are lost?

If you would like, you can read the rest of my article over at Estee's Take.

And since it is a day to celebrate everything about scrapbooking, I would love to give away some of my very favorite embellishments: buttons! Shocked, I know you are. I have 4 button packs from my very favorite Etsy Shop, LittleRedCottage that I would love to share with you. Just leave me a comment letting me know what you are up to today! You have until 11:59PM on Monday, May 3rd to leave me a comment. I will randomly choose 4 people to receive a package of buttons.

Have an amazing weekend!

The Most Random Post Ever...

Are you ready? Here begins the most random post ever...

GCD Studios Sneak Peeks... Layout using the Bright Skies Collection

Layout using my favorite collection, Canta Collection

Layout using the Debonair Collection

Today is Nan's 80th birthday. I was lucky enough to spend the afternoon with her to celebrate...

... and eat Lemon - Blackberry cupcakes.

Over at Scrapbook.com I am hosting a June Contest! To participate in the contest, you need to create a scrapbooking tutorial. You can see my example over at my Scrapbook.com blog.

Alright, is that enough randomness for one day? You were warned!

What are you up to?

Who We Love Transforms Us

Part of the Create My Keepsake January kit includes the Amy Butler / K & Co Fabric tags. On one of the tags there is a quote that says, "What we choose Changes Us, Who we love Transforms Us, How we create Re-Shapes Us, What we do Remakes Us." This is a quote by Dr. Eugene Callender. I love this quote. I was particularly taken with the, "Who we love transforms us" part.

I love to see my kids spend time with Nan. I have such fond, fond memories of the summers that I spent with my grandparents. Reading Little House on the Prairie out on the front porch, picking huge bouquets of Zinnias with Nan, canning green beans and beets, picking gallons and gallons of blackberries and going for long walks in the evenings with her are just a small handful of the memories that I have of Nan. She transformed me. In so many ways. I really do believe that every person that we love in some way transforms us.

It saddens me to no end that my children will not have memories of Nan in the same way that I do. Going to visit Nan in the Alzheimer's Facility makes Breuklyn cry. She says that she just wants Nan to be the way that she used to be. "Why can't she just go home?" she asks me. It is so hard to explain to them what is happening to Nan. I can hardly wrap my head around it, how can I expect them to?

I treasure the small moments of happiness that we have with Nan. The hugs. The giggles. Somehow they seem to be able to pierce through her sadness and make her smile. Even though Nan doesn't recognize Paizlee, her memories of Breuklyn are stronger. I hope that Breuklyn, as her oldest great-granddaughter, will have a few happy memories of Nan as I did, as her oldest granddaughter.

21 Sticks of Butter Later...

The baking is done! Well, for now. There will be more baking for Christmas Eve. I know that you are shocked, don't lie. Santa will need fresh cookies, right?

We spent the day delivering cookies to people that we love (and a neighbor that we don't). Brad took cookies to his employees and returned home with empty platters, which is a very good sign. 13 different kinds of cookies. 21 sticks of butter. 15.5 hours of baking. 780 cookies. 5 minutes for the Shipping and Receiving Department to empty two huge platters. 364 more days until Baking Day 2009!

Maddux is counting down the days as well.

We brought cookies to Nan and the caregivers at the Alzheimer's Facility. Nan was happy today. It was a very good day.

Lots of hugs. Lots of love.

Speaking of love... the kids got a box of Christmas gifts from my mom and dad today. Paizlee was the very happy recipient of a stuffed kitten. The perfect gift. She also got a tea set, so she has been feeding the cat tea.

That poor cat won't sleep a wink tonight.

It's almost Christmas, are you ready?

June Flashback...

Nan had surgery today. Last June we were playing outside. So much can change in a year.

I'm here... barely

I have always loved, and will always love, my grandmother, my Nan. She has always believed in me. Not once has she ever questioned me, doubted me or even scolded me. She taught me, encouraged and listened to me.

Nan has been struggling with Alzheimer's for the past few years. Once Pa passed away, the Alzheimer's progressed much more quickly. For the past three years, I have had a front row seat to the eventual loss of almost everything that she once was.

She used to make huge meals that would fill the table and would spread onto the counters. We would spend hours eating and laughing... Now she doesn't remember how to open a can of soup or even how to eat a sandwich.

Nan and I would spend long mornings and afternoons picking blackberries. We would make blackberry jam and cobblers and still have enough to fill quarts and quarts to line the walls in her food storage... A few weeks ago she turned to me and said, "Have you ever been blackberry picking? I think you would enjoy it."

Nan would spend hours carefully ironing Pa's dress shirts and making crisp creases in his jeans and her skirts for church. We would hang laundry out to dry on the clothesline. If it would begin to rain, we would laugh like crazy as we chased down all of the clothing before it got too wet... She forgot how to use the washer and dryer. The clothesline was taken down.

I think that Alzheimer's Disease is cruel. It is a horrific disease that robs a person of their most valuable possession; their memories. Now that Nan is living in Texas with her sons, I am lost without her. Watching her suffer through 4 different hospitals within the course of 10 days was torture, but knowing that she isn't waiting for me on the front porch is absolutely killing me. I am mourning not only the loss of her personality, now I don't even have her hand to hold.